No happiness right now...

Yin and Yang, love and indifference, rain and sun. If you don't have one, you can't have the other. And if you've had one, you certainly appreciate (or depreciate) the other.

For me, I know what sadness is, so I dearly grasp onto and continually search for happiness. It's much better.

I'm very sad today. I have one measly little day left of summer vacation. This may very well have been the best summer of my life.

I'm going back to work part-time, and I know when I get there my sweet students and wonderful teachers I work with will make me feel welcomed and at home again. But I have spent 10 amazing weeks with my flesh and blood. I've watched him grow leaps and bounds, and I want to be there all the time for this. It's killing me knowing I am even leaving him for a little bit.

For the first time in my life (exception: maternity leave), I really understand that people can say how much they love getting up in the morning...that they love the anticipation of another wonderful day. They truly are excited about waking up and getting up, and enjoy their days because of this. And you know what this leads me to believe and know about myself?

I am meant to be a mom.

NOT because I am perfect at it. No ma'am! I am only human. I know this because it is the only thing I have ever done consistently that leaves me aching for more. More days, overtime, and no need of benefits other than love and kisses. Yep, I know the frustrations so far of motherhood, but it's worth every.single.minute. It's pure joy.

I can only hope and pray that the man upstairs has it in his plan for me to be a mom twice over, but only time will tell.

I am thankful, not daily, but hourly, for the blessing of motherhood. I have never felt love like I feel for my child. I am in love with my husband in a way I had never felt it before him. In both these cases the love is pure, and different everytime I feel it. Love is far and away the most powerful force in the universe.

Tomorrow I intend on enjoying of course. I know I will. But I can't help but dread those first days of inservice before the students get there. The real reason I teach won't be there for another week and a half...let's just get there. Then maybe I will begin to find some balance. Who knows.

I want to be with my son to watch his eyes open up to new things. I want to be there daily. But I won't be the one opening his eyes up everytime. So maybe this is God's way of teaching me to let go.

But I won't ever let go all the way. No mom ever can, I am convinced.

if you made it this far, thank you...